ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
