mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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