his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I have already put on my inside pants.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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