I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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