take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
