Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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