You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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