no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
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The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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