Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
