can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
