just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
