My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
