You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
