i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
