I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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