OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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