remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
