Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
