Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We are two peas in an std pod
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
