My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
