theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
