Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I would fuck him just for his dog
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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