sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
