our cab driver is having phone sex.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy