My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
