Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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