Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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