I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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