So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
