I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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