Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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