So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
