you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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