I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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