There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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