Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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