u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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