It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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