Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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