Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Can Purell be used as lube?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
