so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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