Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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