Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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