saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
