Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
