I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
