You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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