If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
