Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
