My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
