Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
