and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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