grandma shit on top of the toilet
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
