i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I enjoy the company of your penis
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
