I smell stomach acid.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
