yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
