you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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