if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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