doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
